Getting to know you

1. What was your favorite childhood food?Grandma’s corn casserole
2. Favorite quote? You can’t always dance in the water, sometimes you just have to tread.
3. Favorite time of day? sunset, I sit on porch and read or just watch the sun leave.
4. Least favorite mode of transportation? bus
5. Favorite body part? eyes/hair
6. Favorite sound? music. All music. Especially french horn.( lotr, romulan music from new star trek EPIC)
7. If you had 30 mins of free time what would you do? bake, craft, read. Still looking for the perfect orange creamcicle cake recipie.
8. Songs on your soundtrack for life? broadway, celtic, punk, rock, pop. EVERYTHING
9. Last movie, tv show, or book to make you cry? LOST, I’m still sad it ended. And Men in Black 3. Didn’t expect that.
10. Hardest thing you’ve done? letting drs take my son to another hospital with a NICU when he was born, I hadn’t even held him yet. I left the hospital appox 25 hours after c section.
11. Last amazing meal? in June on honeymoon. 360 restaraunt at the Raddisson in cincinnatti. Wonderful.

A Year in Photo’s and Tweets

blah…37 weeks… ultrasound/NST/ Dr. appt tomorrow… 🙂  -July 14, 2010- If only I had known.

He’s here! D-Rex, 5 lbs 12 oz. Born Friday at 2:35 pm. Some lung maturity issues but doing well at Dublin Methodist. We can’t wait to bring him home soon. 🙂 -July 20

The CPAP mask, IV, and feeding tube are all out, courtesy of D-Rex… the doctor agreed that they could stay out though. :)-July 21

D-Rex got to come home yesterday. We’re enjoying some quiet time just the three of us. :)-July 23

Observation… Five pound babies don’t fit into newborn size clothes very well…correction… They fit and swim in them.-July 23, 2010.

Cranky baby+ getting a new roof= mommy going crazy and yelling at the roofers…oy. -October 12, 2010

If baby drool were gold I’d be a rich mommy.-November 11

Dear D-Rex. Your jammies have two legs as well as two footies. Therefore it is best to leave one leg in each side as mommy placed them before bed. Love Mommy-November 18

Mommy of the year award. Forgot the bottle at home, let the mean nurse poke him with needles, then i took the band aids off. The kid officially hates me.-November 19

D-Rexs first Christmas… pretty sure he’s got opening the presents down…or at least eating the paper. -December 25

He has a tooth!- January 4

Monster boy weighs 18 lbs and is 27 and a half inches long. Thats insane considering six months ago he was 5 lbs 12oz and 19 in. 🙂  -January 22

 

So while changing a poo butt… I told D-Rex that it was everywhere… to which he replied, “eeeewww”. darn right it was ew son…-January 30

Everyone celebrates their own way… D-Rex apparently celebrates St. Patricks Day by pooping bright green poop…-March 17

And D-Rex stood up in his crib today. I swear he’ll be walking before he learns to actually crawl on all fours.-April 7

D-Rex just farted in the bath tub and gave me an extremely concerned look. Lol.-April 17

D-Rex is 22.6 lbs, 30 in long, with an 18.5 in head. Thats 75% weight, 95 % height, and 97% head size. My kid is a beast.-April 18

Storm, meet D-Rex… “crash/flash/rumble-rumble.” D-Rex, meet storm… ” AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!” Gonna be another sleepless night.-April 20

Oh my God, my boy is trying to give me a heart attack. First he figures out how to climb onto the couch, THEN takes his first steps! Three! Give me my snuggly baby back!-June 15

Bubbles are like xanax for babies. Pissed off and screaming one second, contented sighs the next.-June 26

Introducing my son to fireflies as there seems to be a million out tonight. – June 29, 2011

Can it really only be 12 days until he is one? -July 4, 2011

100 Things

1. My middle name is Alane.

2. I used to read like my life depended on it.

3. I don’t read anymore.

4. I have an almost one year old son.

5. He may be the reason for # 3.

6. I knew I was pregnant by 4 weeks even though, it’s “impossible to know”.

7. I was sick all day, everyday with many, MANY visits to the ER for fluids.

8. I have 2 cats, Lola and Zalyn.

9. I can’t cook worth a hoot.

10. I write frequently, but rarely post.

11. When I post, it’s for the sake of boredom, or because I have something I want to remember.

12. I love to watch So You Think You Can Dance.

13. After watching, I also think I can dance.

14. I cannot dance.

15. I read many blogs, but very rarely comment.

16. Celebrity gossip fascinates me.

17. I am a retired pyro.

18. I don’t chew gum.

19. I don’t drink coffee.

20. I’m a side sleeper.

21. I believe in God, but have a hard time seeing him.

22. I have never watched the entire film of The Never Ending Story.

23. I love all things music.

24. I’m obsessed with broadway.

25. I want another baby, but am not willing to go through that hell again yet.

26. I’m terrified of heights.

27. I miss my Grandpa.

28. I hate roller coasters, but went on almost every ride at Disney World, because I knew I’d never go again.

29. I’ve moved 13 times.

30. I’m only 23.

31. Post Partum Depression kicked my ass.

32. It still does some days.

33. I used to drink way too much alcohol in attempts to sleep and forget.

34. I probably still would, if I didn’t have a kid.

35. I’m obsessive about people driving through my U shaped driveway.

36. I may or may not throw firecrackers at them.

37. I can remember almost any name or face, and where I know them from.

38. My favorite childhood book was the BFG by Roald Dahl.

39. I’m starting to hate Dr. Seuss.

40. I could eat Goldfish all day long.

41. I’m tired of sharing a car as D wrecked MINE.

42. I’ve been sharing for 48 days now.

43. I read The Shack before I became a mother, and I didn’t get it. I re-read it recently and bawled my eyes out.

44. I’ve thought what my life would be like with out my son.

45. Some days I wish I could go back.

46. I don’t have a job anymore.

47. I do sing “Little Shark” five million times a day.

48. I can’t play guitar since I broke my finger.

49. I halfway blame my pregnancy on said broken finger. (Long story)

50. I have awful vision.

51. My son goes to the same pediatrician I went to.

52. I got baptized in February and the heater for the water was broken.

53. My birthday is on the greatest holiday ever, Half Price Chocolate Day!

54. It should be a nationally recognized holiday.

55. In all my moving, I’ve never gone farther than 50 miles.

56. I’d go bare foot everywhere if it wasn’t frowned upon.

57. I wear flip flops until there is at least 2 in of snow.

58. I live in Ohio, and despise the snow.

59. I will do anything to avoid talking on the phone.

60. I don’t like going to crowded places.

61. I go to a large church in order to blend in, and not have to form relationships. Analyze that.

62. Jodi Piccoult is one of my favorite writers. Her stories always leave me guessing.

63. My Grandmother is one of my best friends.

64. My family uses my son to fuel their BGSU vs TOLEDO war.

65. I could care less, they are just more t-shirts.

66. I have 4 sisters.

67. D has 4 brothers. (which technically isn’t about me, but who cares.)

68. The color yellow makes me angry, although I love daffodils.

69. If I were smart, I would genetically engineer red and blue ones.

70. I’m a bad housekeeper, I do the bare minimum.

71. I am organized, I can tell you what dust bunny to look behind to find whatever.

72. I’m closer to my step parents than my actual parents.

73. All 4 of them are now single.

74. I enjoy playing Euchre but don’t play often enough.

75. I like playing Dominoes.

76. I still kick myself that I turned down that last game of dominoes with Grandpa.

77. I have watched way too many movies in my life.

78. I blame it on Alex, my best friend and former roomie, because she works at Family Video.

79. I love Lord of the Rings and have 3 swords from the movies.

80. The books are always better than the movies.

81. I can’t keep a plant alive to save my life.

82. One of my goals is to audition for Jeopardy.

83. I was a Lost fanatic. I wish it hadn’t ended.

84. I was almost name Bernadette Kosar Last Name.

85. I’m a fan of the Browns and the Bears.

86. I will be sad if my son plays football instead of joining marching band.

87. My entire family played in band, all brass instruments. Except for Baby Sister, who played saxophone. She’s been

kicked out.

88. I obsessively plan things, but rarely execute them.

89. My dream job would be getting paid to sing or play.

90.  I hate thunder storms.

91. I have to have word documents perfect.

92. I am going to experiment with making bread today.

93. It is likely to be an epic failure.

94.  I hate having to take a pill to manage my depression and function.

95.  My best friend is a Marine.

96. I’m sad that I can’t see her more often.

97. I make my own baby food.

98.  I’ve snuck baby food into actual food to trick D into eating vegtebals.

99. I write really bad poetry.

100. I have 7 piercings and 2 tattoos.

Party time.

I’m thinking in Dr. Seuss. I decided for D-Rex’s first birthday, I would do a Dr. Seuss themed party. I found a few blogs of mom’s who did DIY ideas that even I could do. Super cute. I’m having fun planning the decorations and food. It’s been a good distraction to throw myself into the last few days. If things keep going this way, I probably will end up married, just to have things to plan and keep me occupied. Drama with D’s family this week has got my mind reeling. Basically, his stepmom is throwing out all sorts of false accusations and bringing up old hurts for him, which hurts me. I hate seeing him sad and missing his family. They live 20 stinkin’ minuets away, but are too focused on the past to see that he has changed. I think it’s ridiculous. I’m still doing alright. I try to just breathe and see each day as a gift. It’s not always easy. I still wake up with nightmares, (p.s. if you have night terrors, NEVER take Ambien.) You still get them, you just can’t be woken as easily from them. And you might hallucinate a little…but that’s a different story for a different day. Here is a picture of the soon to be birthday boy!

Daddy-o and D-Rex

Daddy-o looks pretty good since that wreck doesn’t he? 🙂

Time is flying…sorta.

When my son was first born, a 5 lb premie, with a 6 day stay in the NICU, people said enjoy it, it goes quickly. When he was colicky and would not sleep except with me, enjoy it. He’ll be grown before you know it. Teething, not so much on the enjoy it, but it will pass. Quickly. I laughed. The days dragged on, one the same as the next. I was guilty of hiding my pain and depression behind a myriad of drugs, meant to keep me from hurting myself. Again. I ignored the joys of my son, because I was full of pity for myself. I hated the fact that MY life was over. I’m slowly coming out of this fog of depression. I realize how much I missed. His first smile, I can’t remember it, even though he smiles at me daily. His first time of rolling over, now he crawls and cruises on furniture. I can’t remember what his first baby food was, or what his reaction was. Now he eats whatever I’m eating. Mostly. His first cries, now he knows Mama, Dada, Bob (bottle), kiki (kitty), and boo (poo). I hate that I’ve missed his little time. He’s 11 months old, and I barely remember his first year other than my own pain. So yeah, time flew. I’m praying I keep making it out of this haze and become a better mom. One who is involved. Who can brag about his little accomplishments. Like last night, his Aunt taught him to high five. I never thought of that. But he grins and holds his hand up for yet another five. And that’s good enough for me today.

It’s been a while…

So it’s actually been so long i can’t recall my own password… Good heavens. I don’t know if anyone still reads here but I am going to be more faithful in posts. Especially now that I have a son! yikes… He is seven months old and we shall call him D-Rex, as I don’t feel comfortable putting his name out in cyberland. He loves jumping, squealing, and of course…the kitty. He is under the impression he is a dinosaur, hence the nickname. I know it’s generally T Rex, but his name starts with a d and that’s what Daddy calls him. 🙂 much love to anyone that is still out there!
ps… sorry for bad grammar. I typed this on a blackberry and have little patience with it. 🙂

Photo and Song :)

“These mist covered mountains
Are a home now for me
But my home is the lowlands
And always will be
Some day you’ll return to
Your valleys and your farms
And you’ll no longer burn
To be brothers in arms

Through these fields of destruction
Baptisms of fire
I’ve witnessed your suffering
As the battles raged higher
And though they did hurt me so bad
In the fear and alarm
You did not desert me
My brothers in arms

There’s so many different worlds
So many different suns
And we have just one world
But we live in different ones

Now the sun’s gone to hell
And the moon’s riding high
Let me bid you farewell
Every man has to die
But it’s written in the starlight
And every line on your palm
We’re fools to make war
On our brothers in arms”

Marriage…Pt 2.

I don’t like to be wrong. In fact…I’m down right stubborn about it. Once I make up my mind…that’s it. With that being said….I’ve changed my mind…If you want to refer back to a January post…I said very succinctly that I did not want to get married. I didn’t even like to think the word. So…fast forward five months…and it’s come up… I have trust issues.  It was impossible to think that I could trust someone, a man especially.  It was impossible to think that I could get past holding myself from a safe distance to fall in love.  But friends…I am so there.   When I started my almost a year ago, I met a guy that I’ll call D.  He was pretty cool, a good guy to talk with at break, ride with to the ‘burg for lunch.  And because of my self worth issues, I figured that was all he saw in me as well.  As we talked we realized, we knew each other from over ten years ago, when we went to the same small church.  I didn’t remember him, but somehow, he remembered me.    He is the first guy that I’ve ever really trusted, loved.  Not because I’m infatuated, but because he has taken the time to plant the seeds of trust, cultivate and care for them.  D has shown me that there are good things out there, and that I deserve a share in them.  He is a strong Christian man, who encourages my heart.  He constantly tells me “I love you”, even though I struggle with those words, he waits patiently for me to be able to return them.  He knows my past, and is patient and consiencious of what may cause me pain.  He’s asked what I think of getting married.  I can’t imagine going a day without him.  So…am I getting married? Not yet.    Is it on my mind?  It sure is.  Do I like the idea?  Yes I do.

I’m still here.

Hello friends!  I know its been a while…let’s just suffice to say that life got way crazy super fast.  For one, the divorce of the century had finally gotten started.  My mother and stepdaddy have been married since I was a wee lass of a year old.  Twenty years later, they are finally realizing…that it just wasn’t working.  I wondered what their first clue was, the fact that they’ve not lived together since 2002?  Her drugs, his alcoholism?  Who knows…   Anyway, that had just gotten underway and started to get nasty and I didn’t have much to blog about that wasn’t going to be uber-negative.    Then, last Friday, stepdaddy went on a ride over to Sisters house.  They went for pizza and  a beer, parted ways, and headed home… now those in Ohio know that it was a fairly nice day, a little chilly yet, but nothing to stop you from taking the motorcycle out.    Thankfully, in retrospect,  it was chilly enough that he had put his leathers on as well as chaps.    We still aren’t certain what happened, but the end result was the road turned….Smoke didn’t.   (yes that really is his nickname.)    The people who’s yard he landed in say he lost control around the curve, and the bike half landed on him.    So…  they of course went running over,  and he’s asking them to help him get his bike back up…he’s fine.    Thankfully they noticed the blood gushing from his forhead and told him that that may not have been the best idea.   Mr. Guardian Angel got him laid down and called paramedics, while Mrs.  Guardian Angel  asked him some questions…”Can you tell us your name?”   “smoke”   “can you tell us your legal name?”  “SMOKE”….   “can you tell us what day of the week it is?”  “The 27?”  “What day of the week is it?”  “28th?”    So he got to take a little helicoptor ride to Grant Trauma Center.   He was there for five days while they cleaned out his forhead,   put plates in his tibia, got him a back brace for his fractured vertabrae.  Every few hours that first day the nurses would come in and ask him more questions.  “Do you know where you are?” “What day is it?”  “Can you read the clock?”   My favorite was one asked him what year it was…at the same time he was talking about his bike with Porky Pig and Murph…he looked at her and said “1983”  Her face FROZE.   I’m sure she was thinking  oh man…we’re going to have to do another cat scan on this guy. He got the question right the second time around.  🙂 He’s home now,  and we’re making it work.  I am still working second shift, but Sister comes and takes care of him while I’m there.    He’s not going to be able to work for at least nine months.  I don’t know how we are going to keep Baby sister in School… I don’t know how we are going to pay all the bills… but I do know that God is good.  And that’s enough for me right now.

written through tears

tears fall silent down her face
in her mind she longs for a simple embrace
to be held and to know someone is near
that all will be well, she’s safe from fear.

memories invade her solitude,
remembering what the scars led her to conclude.
the pain, the shame of distant sin,
she tries to stop the memories begin.

tears are streaming, racing down,
past the laughing of the clown,
awash with sorrow, inside her mind,
she tried to leave the past behind.

but out of the ashes of her mispent youth,
rises a phoenix full of wholeness and truth.
through the pain and the sorrow, the day never ends
sadness and tears will still be your friend.

but fight for justice and speak without fear.
unleash the memories of all the years.
away with the guilt, the sadness and blame,
welcome the child and embrace you again.